Your Relationship With Your Surrogate

Many Intended Parents ask about how they can form a good relationship with their Surrogate both during pregnancy and after the arrival of their child. However, navigating a relationship with your Surrogate, especially when you don’t speak the same language, can be a tricky task. Setting realistic expectations and boundaries is key to success.

Many of our previous Intended Parents have gone on to have life-long contact with their Surrogates, whereas other Intended Parents prefer to have limited or no contact with their Surrogate. Before being matched with a Surrogate, you should indicate your communication preferences to your Co-ordinator. For a happy journey, it is critical to ensure the communication preferences of Intended Parents are matched with those of their Surrogate.

If you don’t wish to have a direct relationship with your Surrogate, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have any contact with your Surrogate. You can ask your Co-Ordinator to facilitate communication on your behalf, such as asking about their general well-being and how they are feeling during the pregnancy.

However, you may prefer to have a more personal relationship with your Surrogate. In this case, you have finally arrived at the time of being introduced to your Surrogate, an amazing woman who is going to help your dreams of a family come true. You are wondering what sort of relationship you would like with this woman, and how you should facilitate this?

Set realistic expectations and use moderated channels

Firstly, it is important to set realistic expectations. If you don’t speak Georgian, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to have full conversations with your Surrogate. You may think that you can utilise online translation applications such as Google Translate, however these are not always accurate and can sometimes cause misunderstandings and communication breakdowns.

Communication with your Surrogate before and during pregnancy should only be through official Chachava Clinic moderated communication channels. This is to ensure all parties are protected and that misunderstandings do not occur. As noted above, online translation applications are not always accurate, and you may inadvertently cause confusion or offence. This is why it is critical that your Co-ordinator is involved in any direct communication with your Surrogate. It is important that you don’t seek to make direct contact with your Surrogate through other means.

Communication with your Surrogate may include video-calls with your Co-ordinator acting as a translator or a moderated group chat on WhatsApp including your Surrogate and Co-ordinator. It is recommended that at least one video-call is had before a WhatsApp group chat is created by your Co-ordinator, so that formal introductions can be made. Please note that WhatsApp communication is not recommended before the third trimester of pregnancy. This is to reduce the risk of stress to your Surrogate, ensure all parties are protected and that contract conditions are upheld.

What are some tips for successful communication with your Surrogate?

• Have realistic expectations about what sort of relationship may be possible, and don’t be disappointed if your preferred relationship doesn’t eventuate.
• Set boundaries and stick to them. For example, don’t discuss any financial matters directly with your Surrogate. Always refer these types of matters to your Co-Ordinator.
• Don’t ask your Surrogate complicated questions. Keep conversation simple and positive.
• Don’t ask your Surrogate to answer medical questions. Always refer these to your Co-Ordinator or treating doctor.
• Ask about your Surrogate’s family, but respect that she may not wish to share too much personal information. Respect that your Surrogate may not wish to share photos of herself, including “baby bump” photos.
• Share things about your everyday life in your home country. This might include sharing photos of your pets and family. This may help your Surrogate feel more comfortable in getting to know you.
• Ask about your Surrogate’s health and comfort, show her you are interested in her and her happiness.

What about after the arrival of your child?

Continuing communication and your relationship with your Surrogate after the birth of your child is completely up to you. Before making direct contact however, you should speak with you Co-Ordinator to check if your Surrogate wishes to keep in touch.

After the arrival of your child, your relationship with your Surrogate may change, compared to during pregnancy. You may have previously had regular contact, however now your child has arrived, your Surrogate may wish to return to her everyday life with less or no contact. In some cases, Surrogates seek to increase communication following the birth of your child. In these circumstances it is important to set boundaries with your Surrogate so that communication levels remain comfortable for all parties.

If ever in doubt, it is best to reach out to you Co-ordinator so they can provide guidance on the best way to communicate and form a relationship with your Surrogate.